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Ideas for Mourning Rituals
The best rituals are those that you design yourself, based upon your need to express your thoughts and feelings about your loved one.
The formula for creating your own ritual is simple: decide what you need to express and find a behavior that can convey this.
We are providing some ideas in case you need help getting started.
Use the list below to start your own ideas flowing, or adapt those
listed to fit your unique needs.
Buy a special candle and light it at meaningful times in memory of your loved one.
Create a scholarship fund or a memorial gift in your loved one’s name.
Create or buy an ornament that symbolically represents your loved one.
Have your loved one’s ring (or another piece of jewelry)
reset for you or a family member.
Plant a strong, healthy tree or shrub in memory of your loved one.
Do something special for someone else that would be in keeping with what your loved one valued or
believed (such as helping to feed the hungry).
Donate gifts in your loved one’s name.
Hang a holiday stocking for your loved one. Let everyone write a special note to him or her and place it
inside.
Visit places that your loved one enjoyed, such as the ocean.
Make something with your own hands to memorialize your loved one.
The death of someone loved changes our lives forever. And the movement from “before” to the “after” is almost always a long, difficult journey. From my own
experiences with loss as well as the thousands of grieving people I have worked with over the years, I have learned if we are to heal we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief. Instead, we must journey through
it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into its raw center.
I have also learned the journey requires mourning. To mourn is to be an active participant in our grief
journey. We will all grieve when someone we love dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.
There are six “yield signs” you are likely to encounter on your journey through
grief – what I call the “reconciliation needs of mourning.” For a while, your grief journey will be an intensely personal, unique experience. All mourners must yield to this set of basic human needs if they are to
heal.
NEED 1
Acknowledging the reality of the death
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This first need of mourning involves gently
confronting the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back into your life again.
Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the
loss may occur over weeks and months. To survive, you may try to push away the reality of the death at times. You may discover yourself replaying events surrounding the death and confronting memories, both good and
bad. This replay is a vital part of the need for mourning. It’s as if each time you talk it out, the event is a little more real.
Remember – this first need of mourning, like the other five
that follow, may intermittently require your attention for months. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work on each of them.
NEED 2
Embracing the pain of loss
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This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our loss – something we naturally don’t want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress or deny the pain of grief than it is to
confront it. Yet it is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves with it.
You will probably discover you need to “dose” yourself in embracing your pain. In other words, you
cannot (nor should you try to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. Sometimes you may need to distract yourself from the pain of death, while at other times you will need to create a safe place to move
toward it.
Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain. If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to “carry on” or “keep your chin
up.” If, on the other hand, you seem to remain strong and in control, you may be congratulated for “doing well” with your grief. Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well-acquainted with your pain.
NEED 3
Remembering the person who died
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Do you have any kind of relationship with someone when they die?
Of course. You have a relationship of memory. Precious memories, dreams reflecting the significance of the relationship, and objects that link you to the person who died (such as photos, souvenirs, etc.) are
examples of some of the things that give testimony to a different form of a continued relationship. It is important to allow yourself to pursue this relationship
But some people may try to
take your memories away. Trying to be helpful, they encourage you to take down all the photos of the person who died. They tell you to keep busy or even to move out of your house. But in my experience, remembering
the past makes hoping for the future possible. Your future will become open to new experiences only to the extent that you embrace the past.
NEED 4
Developing a new self-identity
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Part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself,
naturally changes.
You may have gone from being a “wife” or “husband,” to being a “widow” or “widower.” You may have gone from being a “parent” to being a “bereaved parent.” The way you define
yourself and the way society defines you is changed.
A death often requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died. After all, someone still has to take out the
garbage and buy the groceries. You confront this changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by the person who died. This can be very hard work and can leave you feeling very drained.
You may occasionally feel child-like as you struggle with your changing identity. You may feel a temporarily heightened dependence on others as well as feelings of helplessness, frustration,
inadequacy and fear.
Many people discover that as they work on this need, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. You may develop a renewed confidence in
yourself, for example. You may develop a more caring, kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living even though you continue to feel a
sense of loss.
NEED 5
Searching for meaning
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When someone you love dies, you naturally question the
meaning and purpose of life. You probably will question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need. You may discover yourself searching for meaning in your continued
living as you ask, How? and Why? questions. How could God let this happen? Why did this happen now, in this way?
The death reminds you of your lack of control. It can leave you feeling
powerless.
The person who died was a part of you. This death means you mourn a loss not only outside of yourself, but inside of yourself as well. At times, overwhelming sadness and loneliness
may be your constant companions. You may feel that when this person died, part of you died with him or her. And now you are faced with finding some meaning in going on with your life even though you may often feel
empty.
This death also calls for you to confront your own spirituality. You may doubt your faith and have spiritual conflicts and questions racing through your head and heart. This is a normal
part of your journey toward renewed living.
NEED 6
Receiving ongoing support from others
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The quality
and quantity of understanding support will have a major influence on your capacity to heal. You cannot – nor should you try to – do this alone. Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow
mourners or professional counselors is not a weakness but a healthy human need. And because mourning is a process that takes place over time, this support must be available months and even years after the death of
someone in your life.
To be truly helpful, the people in your support system must appreciate the impact this death has had on you. They must understand that in order to heal, you must be
allowed – even encouraged – to mourn long after the death. And they must encourage you to see mourning, not as an enemy to be vanquished, but as a necessity to be experienced as a result of having loved.
RECONCILING YOUR GRIEF
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You may have heard – indeed you may even believe – that your journey’s end will come when you
resolve or recover from your grief. But your journey will never end. People do not “get over” major loss.
Reconciliation is a term I find more appropriate for integrating the new reality of moving forward in life, without the physical presence of the person who died. With reconciliation comes a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death, and a capacity to become reinvolved in the activities of living.
In reconciliation, the sharp, ever-present pain of grief gives rise to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. Your feeling of loss will not completely disappear, yet it will soften, and the
intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future. And realizing the person who died will never be forgotten yet knowing your
life can move forward, will surface with your ability to heal.
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Dr. Wolfelt is an
internationally acclaimed grief educator and director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado. He presents more than 100 workshops each year across North America. This article is an
excerpt from his book, “The Journey Through Grief”. Dr. Wolfelt has written many other books about specific types of losses, for example: “Healing a Grieving Spouse’s Heart”.
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